Comparisons of the silent summers
My summers have been getting quieter. The camps from when I was a little kid, the family outings, the high school extracurriculars--they're all gone. It's just me and my home now. This is my summer after graduating high school. It'll be the quietest summer I'll live, for a while.
I wake up an hour or so before noon. A consequence of going to bed around 1 to 2 AM. There's something innate that keeps me from staying up later. I'm worried for the time when that force disappears, if it will.
I head straight for the computer. No use in having breakfast when lunch is so soon. Anyways, that's where I spend the rest of my day.
I randomly choose from a list of activities: applying for next year's internships, college onboarding stuff, writing, participating in and upsolving algorithm contests, solving math problems, playing Tetris, and watching anime.
On random days, maybe weekly, on average, I go outside to run. There's a 5 mile, atrociously hilly course I found a few years ago which I stick with. I'm nothing like how I was during my cross country days, but I'm glad to keep some basic level of fitness. My sleep schedule leaves me few options for tackling the heat and I hate the feeling of running after dinner, so I face the afternoon glare head on. There are trees, anyways.
When I'm outside, my surroundings are quiet as well. The suburbs surround me and my views fill up with large, plain shapes: the unobstructed sky, comically wide road, vast lawns, and expansive, angular houses here and there. While I trod through my route, everything is suspended in a golden, radiating, and hazy glaze.
When I return home I immediately try douse off any trace of the heat with a shower. A residual warmth radiates from my body anywhere the water doesn't pour. It takes a while to get rid of all of it. But soon enough I'm back at my desk.
I love the emptiness of this life. No college application to worry about. No crush to lose my mind over (they're going to a different school, anyways). No social gatherings to occupy my mind. And no expectations.
People tell me this kind of life is sad. But I feel blessed to be able to live it. In a month it'll be gone and I'll be in the grinder again. This time it'll be for real. I won't leave it until the day I retire. Even then, I'll still be imbued with responsibilities, of which I'll let go of only on the day I die. So I feel content in these doldrums because I know it's only temporary. And even so, I still find meaning in doing stuff that prepares me for my future.
There are two more beings in my home that live such a quiet life. Of course, they are my two cats! But there's a difference: They're doomed to live like this for their entire life. A transitory period for me is their entire being.
Nothing guides their lives. They don't have ambitions, not even silly ones, like, I don't know, cracking open the food dispenser, maybe? And they've lost all interest in the colorful and jingly toys of their kittenhood. Occasionally, I can get them to chase around a pellet of food for a few minutes. On very rare occasions, some large bug or lizard makes its way into the house. I feel grateful when this happens. It's something they can spend their time on. On the other hand, my parents throw it out as soon as they see it.
For most of the day, my cats just lounge and sleep somewhere. Even though it's just the two of them, they don't particularly like each other. I've noticed that they've developed a seasonal, non-overlapping rotation of resting places. Very funny.
The natural curve of their mouths, when viewed from the side, looks like a stupid smile. That's the expression they hold when they sit idly for most of the day. What are you thinking about? I wonder while I stare at them. Are you happy? Sad? Is your life fun? Then their huge eyes notice mine and suddenly we're staring at each other. I've peered into the same gaze times upon times. It means everything but answers nothing.
The truth that would give me the most peace of mind is that, cats' minds are fundamentally different from humans. They simply don't need a purpose or a goal. They just do as they do and leave the world with no regrets.
If that's true, I would be so relieved. Since there's nothing I can do anymore if it isn't.
I could play with my cats more and spend more time with them. One thing I've been doing lately just been sitting with them. Just sitting, no petting--sometimes they don't appreciate the stimulation. But I'm living the last of these moments. I won't be a primary member of the household for much longer.
My dream was to get them outside. But truth be told, they aren't actually my cats. Rather, they are my mother's, except I happen to spend the most time with them, so I tend to call them mine. But like many cat owners, my mother believes that it's best to never let one's cats outside.
Sure, it's safer for the them. There's disease, wild animals, and cars outside. But it's obvious that, even just being outside with supervision outmatches any kind of stimulation to be found indoors. Though my cats will forever be indoor cats, their favorite activity is still to just observe the outside. They even have a way of asking me to open a window. The bug screen keeps them inside, yet even this small but direct gap to the outdoors is one of their chief pastimes. I keep imagining how happy they would if they could actually be outside, freely.
The biggest complaint against having outdoor cats is that their lifespan might be shortened. But really, that's a selfish way to think. What, they won't be around for as long to satisfy your desire to keep them? What about their life? Would you rather they live a fulfilling and exciting life, or a dreary, monotonous life twice as long?
I don't really understand how cats truly think. And so I have to concede that my musings are just as meaningless as everyone else's.
Yet I still feel unwell. Knowing that there's so much I've yet to do is what keeps me happy and is also what keeps me in this world. I naturally project that onto my cats. So it hurts to know that the creatures who accompanied me during my coming of age will be destined to bide their days, in a sleepy place I once called home.