No, I'll help myself
Late at night, I laid awake, fixated on the ceiling of my dorm. Before going to bed I'd just seen a post of my high school crush with a friend, roommate, or whatever, at a concert. Just the two of them. This wasn't her first post of its kind.
I think what I've really wanted all along was just one close friendship. To be someone's first choice and have them be mine. It's not as intimate as an actual relationship, yet, if you think about it, it still mirrors many of the same qualities. That post I saw was pretty much a demonstration of one. I had just started college too, but on the contrary I was empty-handed.
I noticed something interesting. By the third or fourth week of classes, I had just completely stopped talking to new people. At some point I just decided that the circle of people I knew was big enough already.
That was also the point where I started feeling like I belonged in this school. Did I get to know people only as a means of assuring my own sense of belonging? Just ensuring that I could see a familiar face in some hallway, or be able to attend a club meeting with someone I knew seemed to be my end goal.
It's no wonder I'm having such a hard time finding "that someone"... it turns out I wasn't even trying to. For a pretty stupid reason as well.
Before I fell asleep that night I came up with a plan. I was going to start trying to talk to anyone I had some semblance of a reason to start a conversation with. A few months ago I would have thought this idea was stupid. That I was only making more "halfway friends". But it's really been a numbers game all along. Out of strangers you can find halfway friends. And the full-way friends I so desperately want... come from halfway friends.
Walking to class the morning after, I immediately saw someone that I could open up to. They were wearing this really cool backpack with a bunch of patches, some of which were from shows and icons I recognized. It would have only taken a "Wow, your bag is really cool!" to start something.
I didn't actually say that. Instead I just got scared, and at some point the route I took to my class caused our paths to diverge.
I spent maybe the next 15 minutes in class thinking of everything we could have talked about, just from that backpack alone. Too bad.
It's been a few days since that moment. During this time span I actually did manage to take the leap a few times. My proudest moment so far was getting to know this really huge and intimidating guy that I see at my Ultimate Frisbee practices.
The truly challenging part, really, is finding an excuse for talking in the first place. But here in college I probably have the best chances of doing so. I'm going to make the most of it.