On my way towards romanticizing loneliness
When I leave for university this fall, I'll have a chance to reinvent myself. I've always thought about the day when I actually do so. What kind of person do I want to become?
Actually, the fact alone that I've thought of this question so much feels strange. Is there something I don't like about myself?
Maybe. I don't think I have any true friends.
In high school I actually had tons of people to talk to. I really did feel like I belonged there. I made several connections in my extracurriculars as well. You could say, it seemed like I found my people. But when the bells rang and meetings ended, I always made my way home and settled down, alone.
What would I call an actual friendship? Definitely not anything I had then. Actual friendships shouldn't be confined to where they began. Having probably not experienced what I define to be an actual friendship, I bet I'd be the least qualified to provide such a definition. But do other people think the same way? Is it reasonable to expect a level of connection like that? I mean, to have some part of you absorbed into the others' life?
My first idea of what I'd change about myself was just to become more social. Talk to even more people and attend even more events. But the more I think about doing so, the more useless it seems. It feels as if doing so would just create an even larger number of these "halfway friends". I hate the idea of that. I hate trying to spend time with people talking, laughing, and having fun, all in spite of the fact that we don't care one bit about each other.
I guess the truth is, however much I blame others, is also the amount of blame I deserve. It's not as if these connections aren't two-way. It would take some mutual level of agreement and understanding to get past this halfway-friendship status. How do I produce such an agreement? And how would I even get the other person to reciprocate? Will that even be possible for everyone I meet? It looks like I'll have the rest of my life to figure out these mysteries. And at this point, I'm certain the solution isn't as simple as "being more social".
But what if I did the opposite? What if I just gave up? I don't find myself wanting to talk to others. I don't find myself wanting to go to outings or events either. The latter could be because I usually don't have anyone to go with. Either way, I don't think I've ever been happy to socialize. Maybe some people are just like that.
So if I stop trying: Will things get better? I'll become who I've really been on the inside: the silent one occupying some unobtrusive place in the room.
I can't shake the feeling that doing so will help me. In TV, I've always viewed quiet characters with admiration. Everything seems to work out for them. Each relationship that they do form always appears so genuine. Because crossing the void that separates them and the world requires a motivation that is found in people who truly care.
Is that how loneliness works in real life? I wish it were so. I wish, that, when I sit alone like I've always wanted to, someone would finally come save me.