One last delusion
My father tells me that I'm still young, and that I haven't truly failed at anything yet. Though, I never told him about you. I'm sure of it: You are my first true failure.
Since November of 2023, my life hasn't been the same. All because of a seating chart rearrangement. Maybe that was the closest I ever was to you. Whatever torment I felt then burned onwards, long after the seating chart was again reshuffled.
The way you animatedly talked to your friend across the table: It's like I was at the zoo, simultaneously the spectator and the pitiful creature behind the glass--glass which I could have broken with only a few words. But I had never encountered anything like the glue that spread over my lips as soon as you entered the room.
The way you just took naps right in front of me, facing me. The way you kept glancing in my direction, not just during class, but seemingly everywhere. Smiling, even. Maybe there always happened to be something interesting behind me. Or maybe I just looked really strange? Obviously, there's only one thing that I wished it meant: That on some level, you felt the same way towards me. I guess I might never know if that was true. Isn't that crazy? That would be for the rest of my life.
And if that was true: I'm so sorry. For personally entertaining the possibility so much, yet being too apathetic to actually do anything.
I have a lot of bleak moments to share, but I'll stop here. They hurt to write about, and, in my opinion, aren't interesting to read about. I want to talk about something else.
With not a single moment, memory, or lively conversation between us, you've still somehow managed to change my life, for the better.
You've made me a kinder person. Contemptuous thoughts and self-centered ideas used to practically be a part of my nature. Of course, for my own reputation, I'd usually keep them to myself. But they existed nonetheless, and probably revealed themselves anyways, through subtler, unconscious means. I can't say for sure how it all melted away. But it's wondrous how, whilst falling for you, I began seeing beauty in everyone around me as well.
At the same time, you've gotten me to care more about myself. I might have been motivated only by the anxiety of seeing you, but dressing just a bit nicer, having skin a bit clearer, and doing my hair just a bit better, has made me enjoy my life a bit more, even whilst trying to wrestle the thought of you out of my mind.
Maybe the best thing that came out of this was seeing how you lived. And maybe it's this that was the root of my admiration: You were actually yourself. Every dumb joke, every niche interest, however unpopular, it just seemed like you didn't mind. Watching someone live like that... it just makes me... I don't even know. Isn't it sad that I can't remember the last time I lived like that? Maybe beneath all my dreams and fantasies, I might have not have even truly sought a relationship with you. Maybe I just wanted to be you. To be truly at ease with myself. To wear my own skin and all like it's actually mine. It's not easy to shed years of preconceived judgment, but you've inspired me to try.
And then there are the smaller things. I ended up joining a club that you were involved in, and ended up making some of my best friends there. I deeply explored my music taste for the first time--there sure are a lot of songs about love. You've even motivated me academically; I wonder if I could have still gained admission to the same university, had I not been in awe at how effortlessly smart you seemed.
Above all of this: You've gifted me the most self reflection I have ever done in my life.
It's been a long and terrible one-and-a-half years. But this is all history now--and I've most definitely learned from it.